Three Things I Learned in the Land of the Morning Calm

I left Korea about two weeks ago after living there for two years. This time was a huge period of growth for me. I had to step outside of my comfort zone again and again. A lot of the experience of living and teaching English in Korea was very difficult and frustrating for me, and for the most part I am glad to be done with that period of my life. But I don’t think it’s right to leave something, whether it is a person, or a place, or a job, or a belief without acknowledging the gifts that it gave to you.

So here they are. These were the gifts of Korea.

1. Keep Practicing, Keep Trying.

I remember sometime ago reading this article by Amy Chua and being altogether shocked by it. The article is about the difference between Chinese mothers (who seem to have in lot in common with the Korean mothers in terms of how they treat their children’s schooling) and Western mothers. Ms. Chua implies that the difference between the two is that Western mothers think their children are weak, and Asian mothers know their children are strong. Asian mothers know their children can do it, so they don’t let up on them until they have mastered something. They don’t let their children give up.

This is what Korea said to me:

You’re not good at teaching yet? The kids are running all over the place and talking constantly? And you don’t understand what they’re saying because they’re saying it in Korean? You’re overwhelmed? You’re tired? You don’t want to do this?

So what? Really. So what? Keep trying. Keep practicing. Go in there again. Do it again. Try a new way. Maybe that will work. It didn’t? Ok, try something else. Yes, that’s it! What else can we do? Keep going in. Keep practicing. You don’t feel like it? Do it anyway. You can figure it out. You can get better at it. You can get used to it. Just keep going.

And you know what? I did get better. I got a lot better. I got so much better that I could regain the attention of a class of 12 four year olds within seconds. I got so much better that kids were improving their test scores in my classes.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything about the “keep practicing” idea. I don’t really think it’s a good thing that Korean children go to school for 10+hours a day. But I do think that when you dedicate yourself to something you might not be initially good at, you do improve. And maybe you need to have the experience of being forced into it before you can believe it for yourself.

So, thank you, Korea, for being my Tiger Mom.

2. Skinship

If there is one thing I will be forever grateful to Korea for, it is the concept of skinship. Skinship is a pseudo-English term for the closeness one feels to other people when actually touching them. Koreans and other Asians have a smaller sense of personal space than we do as Westerners, and are more inclined to touch their friends than we are.

I never quite got to the point where I was holding hands with friends in public – I didn’t really want to – but in Korea I learned that touch was ok. I learned that it is ok to put your arm around your friend’s back or rub their shoulder or touch their hand when you’re talking to them. And you don’t have to do this because someone is upset either. You can just do it because you like them and because it feels nice. You can just do it because it makes you both feel more connected.

In the States I think we are a little too afraid of touch. It’s true some people do feel really uncomfortable with touch, and it is good to be mindful of that. But I think we are always too afraid of crossing some invisible boundary. Touch makes us feel better. It makes us feel more connected and less alone.

So, thank you, Korea, for teaching me to touch again.

3. Everything is belief.

This one is something that can be learned from any experience living – or even traveling – abroad. When you look at another culture, it can be easier to see how unconscious cultural rules give rise to people’s behavior.

One of the most difficult things, for example, about Korean culture for me was the work culture, which was a culture fueled by the stress of needing to be the best. But why, I would constantly say to myself, why do they need to be the best? Why is working hard the only way to be the best? And of course the answer is they needed to be the best because they believed they needed to be the best. And the worked so hard because they believed that it was the only way to become the best.

Once you can start seeing and questioning one belief system, you can raise a critical lens to your own belief system. What beliefs are creating my behaviors? Which beliefs are working for me and which aren’t?

So, thank you Korea, for shattering forever the box that I lived in where I thought all things should be one way, because I didn’t know any better. Thank you for opening my mind to new possibilities, new ways of living.